Great movie, right?! However, this post is less western and more contemplative on the actual good, the bad, annnnnnd the ugly. Normally, it takes about a week for me to process that it's an actual new year. And what dya know? It's the seventh. Ha! Call it what you will... DENIAL. Miss big fat D has to make her appearance once a year and ya know what? It puts me out of my comfort zone. I don't really know why. It gets me thinking on the pros, the cons, the accomplished, the unfinished. But let me put you in my head first. I come from an Asian background. Being the first child = perfection, no room for mistakes and to do everything amazingly well. Or at least that was and has been my perception. Don't get me wrong, I have THE best parents in the world. And my ma has backed up a lot within the last three years, [both a learning process for us] however my mentality is so accustomed to this "way of life" that well...leaves it a bit hard to strive for nothing but.
{Now I know what you're thinking, Wahhhhh cry me a river...play the world's tiniest violin (or whatever the saying is). But alas, bear with me, it's just the background I'm setting so I can get to my point.}
As I've had a full week to digest ringing in the new year, I've realized that while I still experience some discomfort, that I now after a good 28 years I feel like I'm coming into my own. What I mean is, I'm okay with me in my own skin. I think that finding yourself is a difficult and lonely road. I think I've gone every imaginable route without completely ruining my future, but nonetheless have learned so much from 'The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly'. It's funny that just now I feel that I'm coming into my own. I've always been a late bloomer, but have had to do and try everything on my own regardless of warnings or consequences. I've been through a lot, some worthy of mentioning, and some that need to rest at peace. The road back was difficult but not as difficult as I thought it'd be. It was full of understanding, growth, and finding myself.
I have a lot to be grateful for, especially for 2012. I graduated with my Master's in Mental Health Counseling. And even anticipate passing my licensure the second time around :) Missing by a mere point was devastating and even landed me in depression territory and in a vulnerability that I definitely have not been accustomed to. I started playing the comparison game. Why I wasn't in my career that I sweated and toiled for? Why I wasn't 110lbs like I was 7 years ago haha. Or why I wasn't married like the rest of my peers, or even having children. The 'whys and what ifs' list went on. And you know what? To some it may have seemed like a big pity party, but to me it was real. Trial some and my obstacle. But I've been blessed with a wonderful support system, my family. They can read me like a book, and have enough patience and energy to relentlessly motivate, tell the honest truth, and love me no matter what. My handsome has been a steady foundation through it all too. 2012 has been so memorable because of him. We celebrated a year and hope to celebrate many more. I'm happy, I'm content. There's no need to compare. And I found out again the harder way, but I'm glad I did. It's always so much more meaningful and is set into stone that way. The key is to recognize the problem first, accept it, and then move on. I'm no longer in denial. I still feel somewhat uncomfortable here and there. But as always things happen for a reason and in a timely manner. So while you've only heard the gist about 'the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly', I know that beliefs won't make me a better person, but my behavior will. Good acts and deeds are the goal for 2013. I may splurge and even set some goals like being more healthy etc. But for now I want to be the best Lisabeth I can be. And to continue on in service and love.
P.S. my favorite line from the actually movie is:
Tuco: "I would like to piss, it's rough. I've been shaking up nearly 10 hours now."
Wallace: "You smell like a pig already. Let's try not to make things any worse."
That's right. That mental image has been the past couple of months, but thankfully with the graciousness of loving parents, a bestie twinner, and a handsome debonair I got through 2012. The world didn't end because some personal goals weren't met and it won't even if they aren't met 'til 2065. (I'd be 81 so what'd be the point hahaha). Resolutions are still scary for me, but I'll take it one step at a time even through the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Here's to you and all the happiness, I pray comes your way.
No comments:
Post a Comment