Epiphany!

Wow it's certainly been a whirlwind of holidays and all. Honestly, in the last 2-3 weeks you could say I've had somewhat of an epiphany!

I heard this on Invicticus, "I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul. ---William Ernest Henley.

Wait whaaaaat? Haha j/k. It's profound though ha? I mean you make your choices and reap the consequences yes?
K, so with that and celebrating my 29th birthday about 3 weeks ago, I was dreading the day to come. Normally, I'm all giddy and excited to celebrate my special day. Who isn't when it's their birthday? What have I done in the past 29 years? My accomplishments? To be quite frank, it's been tough to see another year go by without the prospect of marriage, not being in the phase of motherhood, maybe not even being rich ha!, and I may have or haven't had to dye my hair to cover the now spreading of *GASP* white hair. That mother of mine though sure knows how to boost me in my lowest of time. She says,"Oh sweetie, it's from the blood infusion placed in your head when you were born, that's why you have a streak of white hair...to remember the miracle you are...the blessing that was given to you and I". Oh moms definitely know how to cherish and make their children know of their unconditional love. At least my mom is. She and my daddy are very VERY generous in their outpour of love verbally. Exceptional parents in my book!

Anyways back to the white hair and crying about not being rich...ha! jk

If you know me, I get allllllll excited when it comes to birthday cakes, decorations, and presents! I mean this girl loves all pretty things. But for some reason this year was different. I didn't want the boots I've been lusting over. I didn't want the pearl earrings of my ma's that I've been secretly wearing and putting back into her jewelry box. I didn't even want a dinner...really. Who does that? When it really came down to the nitty gritty, all I wanted was to be surrounded by my la love and loved ones. To chat, laugh, and walk down memory lane. Cheesy? Maybe. But I can't take all the niceties found in this life...like those over the knee boots or pearl earrings. But family. Love. Knowledge. Those are the important things that I can take away from this life.

I remember once reading from a general authority from the LDS church, and don't quote me on this but I remember digesting this gist: "Probably one of the most important questions you'll be asked is, Did you learn to love?" Poetic isn't it? I mean in all classic novels...in all movies...in ALL that motivates us to move and grow in this life is LOVE. Did I love my neighbor? Did I serve and try to follow the example of my Savior? Did I accept and forgive both the good and bad actions towards me? And did I try to improve myself each day by implementing the things I've learned?

Truly I've grown and matured...probably faster in the last year. Not to toot my own horn, but in recognizing the importance of life. Sometimes its so easy to get caught up in the things of the world...to want to be in the world not of the world. I mean I've known this, but not as much as I do today. My family have deeply contributed to this knowledge as has my la love. Its the character that we protray to others that will either leave a great legacy or a bad taste in others' mouths. I hope not literally. I know that along my stumbles, I'm sure I've left 'a bad taste', however I hope through continuous efforts I'll be able to change these viewpoints and that one day I can epitomize the characters of my loved ones. They teach me to serve and love without condition. To give even when that means not getting anything in return. They, including my la love are my world.

By the way. Can I just brag again one more time on how wonderful of a man my love is? I may about a couple of things. In the very first few months of dating, my love took my bestie and I out to dinner. He paid. Say what? On the way home after great convo and company...on the freeway we're driving in snow, and this car on the side of the road has it's hazards on with a couple of guys trying to push it. My love pulls over and gets out to help them. Meanwhile, I'm freaking out telling my bestie all the awful things I could imagine and hoping they dont' come true. They didn't. What an act of service! That's when I first knew...really knew I was in love with him.

Anyways that man of mine! He surprised me on my birthday! I was so surprised! He tricked me. I didn't think he would because he sent me a card and a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Totally distracted me from his real plan! It was a quick weekend, but so worth every minute! I'm grateful for the sacrifices he makes for me! This visit was more laid back and full of cuddle time, which I'm definitely okay with. We even looked at rings! I have my heart set on one that's at Sam's Club! Which included a run from the car to the store in the rain and a kiss! Hahah perfection and cheesy. Guess what? I don't care hahaha! My momma made a seafood feast on Saturday to celebrate my birthday. She's da best! All in all it was perfect. Annnd Thanksgiving was bomb! So much food. The babes wasn't able to make it :( but will come the 27th of December weather permitting:))))))) My la love, family, and gospel all bring so much fulfillment to my life. Jobs, money, and things come and go...but family and especially mine are what matters to me.

FYI, I'm so okay with getting married in the temple and celebrating the reception at a restaurant with only our close intimate family members. Kinda SC like Haha! However, I know in all reality I would want it to be a great big shindig. Til' next time! Here's some pics!

This is when my babe surprised me. It was late at night and I had just gotten off work and started eating when the door bell rang. I didn't answer because I figured when he told me he was at his sister's house that he was! Trickster that man of mine! Love him to the moon and back!

 Kollie boy kept singing "Happy birrdayyy tewwww Misa!" over and over while riding his trike! Love his cuteness and sweetness.

My coworker and friend, Noreen, surprised me. I walked into my office and it was all decked out! She is the best! I sure miss her presence! She transferred to another department.

We watched the Hunger Games: Catching Fire! Oh my! I think it's better than the first! Jennifer Lawrence is my girl! She is superb in her acting!

 Uh! Ring purusing! I tried on some, however, when I tried on the huge one...uh I think there may be no way of going back to small haha. No honestly he could give me a piece of wire as long as we could start our life. I can't wait for that day! He was sweet and had me try on several rings.

The Spread! Whewwwww! What a feast! Delicious yumminess and great company! I am beyond grateful for my love and familia! How good is our God! Too good huh?!

Til' next time friends!

 Remember that scene in Mean Girls where the crying girl states, "I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy."

Welllllllll FYI, sometimes I wish the solution to a long distance relationship could be easily resolved by a pretty tasty cake. Unfortunately it isn't. In fact, I'm reminded of the ever famous quote by Geoffrey Chaucer in The Franklin’s Tale.

Patience is virtue high, and that’s certain;
For it does vanquish, as these clerks make plain,
Things that oppression never could attain. 

Ahhhh PATIENCE! That pesky patience is a virtue, or so they say... It teaches us to tolerate delay. It implies self-control and forbearance, as opposed to wanting what we want when we want it. What a difficult practice to implement at times. Anyone agree? I know. I know. "Cry me a river, Lisabeth..."Or world's saddest song played on the tiniest violin". However, we're each given trials and by far this has got to be up in the top 10 thus far. Then get yourself out of it right? Move back. Or vice versa. However, A LOT easier said than done. I wish it were easier.

In the face of adversity, I am often blinded by my own problems and desperately wanting my plan to work out EXACTLY the way I imagined. Don't we all? As of July 5th to November 6th, my love and I had a 4 month stint of being unable to see one another (ie. due to reasons outside of our control).  In my personal experience, it definitely impacted my tolerance level, increased frustration daily, and placed me in almost a security blanket of negative thinking. I was in constant self-turmoil of trying to find solutions and projecting every feeling imaginable both good and bad towards my la love. I felt almost bi-polar. I could easily see my negative words/actions before they exposed themselves. Yet instead of controlling my feelings of defeat, I'd let them emerge. After they'd play themselves out, I'd recognize my wrong and apologize, but the vacillating actions would continue.
Simply put: I missed him. If it were up to me, our life would have begun five yesterdays ago. I was looking for some shred of silver lining. And all along, I realized it was within my own handsome. Through all the arguments, intentionally ignoring each other to avoid conflict, and heated discussions, Stay remained calm and in control. I know he is by no means perfect...we each give and take, snap unwarrantedly, and even placed our relationship on the line, but and sorry for the cheesiness, buuuuuuuut he's MY perfect.

Through it all he remained optimistic and took the toll of my actions by understanding and validating my feelings. That man has my upmost respect, confidence, and all of my heart.

When you're unable to be in person; to talk, touch, or see one another, it places an immediate opposition in your way. Doubt sets in. But knowing what we have and fighting against these struggles is what helps us carry on.

Lauren Oliver (Liesl & Po) summed it up beautifully:

“If you do not believe that hearts can bloom suddenly bigger, and that love can open like a flower out of even the hardest places, then I am afraid that for you the road will be long and brown and barren, and you will have trouble finding the light.
But if you do believe, then you already know all about magic.” 

Stay surprised me Wednesday night. Sort of. I knew he was coming, but always get butterflies before he's actually here. I was teaching my 3 hour evening group when the case manager asked me to come "help" her real quick. I turned the corner and there he was! I was floored ha. I always am. I was stricken with shock and disbelief. He pulled me in close and kissed me. I was blinking for reality to set in. But he was really here! I took Thursday and Friday off so that I could have a splendid weekend with him. What a blessing to be able to be in his arms, to feel, smell, taste, haha to be overwhelmed by all 5 senses for the next 4 days and 5 nights. It always feels like we fill our days to do as many activities together as possible and limit our sleep. Wouldn't you if you knew your love were only here for what seems like miliseconds? There was lots of eating, cuddling, talking, driving, and just simply being with one another.

I CAN'T wait for the next visit. It gets better every time. Moreover, I can't wait to finally be Mrs. Lisabeth Havili. Here are some pictures :)

Thursday morning. I called in sick. (1st time ever and was scared ha!) We went to Denny's and felt like we cuddled and practically fed our faces all day haha. He's so handsome huh?

My Cuddy Buddy. His perfume is to die for! Love when it lingers on my clothes. I think this was Friday night. We went and watched Thor! Pretty good movie if you haven't seen it.

Saturday morning! Denny's! He got me a cupcake tumbler, because A.) it was too cute not to want and B.) I could get free re-fills! Score. Annnnnnd the Hobbit menu is back! Yay!

We went to Durango! It's about an hour away from where I live, but I just love the feel and jive of Durango. I would work here if it weren't for the commute. Morgan Stanley just opened an office here. *Hint Hint Stay Baby* We walked downtown, perused the stores, bought some french bakery goodies, and of course got my fave drink Very Berry Hibiscus at Starbucks. Think that was enough? We also went to TJ Maxx. Uh hands-down, one of the top 5 shopping scenes for me. Annnnd this handsome bought me a feather-down jacket! He's daaaaa best!

Saturday evening we went to Mutu's Italian Restaurant. It was scrumptious! I just enjoy sitting across from my main squeeze. I think we were both getting sullen; not looking forward to his departure come Sunday morning.

Buuuuuuut guess what?! He stayed one more night. I couldn't bear to let him leave...again. We went out Sunday night. Just got some treats, hit up Target (also top 5), and watched the first season of Vampire Diaries. Love that he's patient enough to do pretty much whatever I want. :P

 

All in all it was such a phenomenal and fantastic visit. Being patient certainly is a virtue. Having a significant other who sticks with it through thick and thin only helps strengthen and remind me of what we have. I love him. So much. My heart aches for him every second. I cannot wait for the next reunion and for the resolve of long distance to come.

 

Til next time my friends, much love. Adieu

 

Great Un-Expectations!

Hello Friends!

Been awhile eh? How's life you ask? Its good...incredibly busy, but good nonetheless! I have so many blessings to be thankful for. Matter of fact, things have gone unexpectedly better than what I imagined. You know that saying, "When one door closes...another opens"? Maybe it's just me but I despise this saying. Why? Well because I like any other person (I assume) have difficulty understanding why things go awry. I am the type of person who plans for things and if they don't happen then I get super bummed, even down and depressed. I mean we all want something badly to happen right? Whether it be in our personal lives, school, career, etc. I struggle with understanding why things don't work out. My thoughts were, I'm a hard worker, I try to be positive, I pray, etc. And yet the dream didn't result. WTF??! Right? But here's the beauty in it. Our Heavenly Father has a plan for our lives more beautifully written then we could ever imagine. I have realized over time (although still learning to implement this concept) that everything works out the way it should...meaning that Heavenly Father has us ALWAYS in our best interest, even if it causes heartache. But He is good. He is always 100% working for our benefit. He's that lovely and amazing! Believe you me though, I have to constantly remind myself of this because during the moment it doesn't always feel as such. For example, last year after graduation, I was on top of the world! I felt like my career dreams were about to come true. I got offered a job in New Mexico to be a therapist, they'd pay for my student loans, and I'd live with my family. Almost no bills, dream job, and hopefully marriage in a year. Did it happen quite the way I planned? Not at all. But it slowly things are falling into place. See, Heavenly Father's timeline is so much better than I could predict for my own life. I am remembered of this lesson...maybe too often, including tears, heartache, and anger. But its a good reminder.  

In Chapter 59 of Charles Dickens', Great Expectations, Estella says to Pip, "Suffering has been stronger than all other teachings, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but- I hope into a better shape."

I completely agree with Estella. All the trials I have had in my life have helped shape me into a better person. At least I hope so. I have THE most supportive family. They're with me through thick and thin. It really is true that blood is thicker than water. They have this keen sense of always catching me when I fall. Also, I wouldn't have met the love of my life if I had held on to relationships that just weren't working out. I wouldn't of had this wonderful man who accepts me with all my faults and loves me unconditionally. I am now in a challenging, but warm atmosphere at work. I still have other endeavors I want to  pursue, but this is a good start. I wake up feeling that my job is worthwhile and I just may be making a difference. I may not see His guiding hand in all things, but I sure am glad he's in charge of directing me. Even if it meant that I had to learn a couple hard lessons, or meet people that weren't so pleasant along the way, then it was worth it, because I have received so many more blessings. I know that when I am faced with trialsome times in my life, I can turn my trust and faith in the Lord. That he will have MY best interest in His hands, and whatever He decides for my life I will be at peace with. If the answer is no, I know that is the best answer for my life! I've been able to look at everything in a more positive light because of HIS grace, HIS goodness and HIS love. I feel truly blessed to know that. I hope that bitterness does not rise when one door closes for me or for you.

Estella also said, "Moths and all sorts of ugly creatures, hover about a lighted candle. Can the candle help it?". 
Simply put, No. Which can be the hardest answer of all. Sometimes we are faced with that which is most difficult or something in which we do not have the capacity to understand. We're left asking, "Why?". In my personal experience, I believe that some answers will never be given or found. However, acceptance and faith is what has helped me endure. I can't take all the credit because Heavenly Father has blessed me  in times of lonliness for certain individuals to help pick me up. I believe that some people enter your life if even for a mere second to help teach and remind us of the good there is in the world.  It is my wish that you my friends, that you can see and be grateful for what Heavenly Father is trying to do, in yours and my benefit, that he lifts us even beyond pain and anger. To give it to him and know that all will be well. I pray for all of you reading this, that you will be blessed with beautiful opportunities and for us to be blessed we must have an attitude of thanksgiving. My theory is, when one door closes, be grateful and know that Heavenly Father wants only the best for us. Hope you all are having a splendid Wednesday!

It's the Little Things That Count

Errr...Is This Thing On? I forgot how this works soooo let's start off with a little "Have you ever?" game.

[I need reassureness of my normalcy] Have you ever had one of those moments where you knew what you were doing but not really? Or what you should do but didn't? How 'bout I stop the confusion and just relay the dang story.

Here's the sitch:
Boss Lady: Lisabeth, can I see you in my office real quick?
Me: Course!
Boss: Instructing. Compliments. Proceeds to instruct some more.
Me: Listening. I think. For the first 5 minutes at least. Eyes glaze.
Boss: Got it? Lisabeth?
Me: {hesitative; desperately salvaging my being} Uhh...OHhh for surrrre! {Possibly too exuberant}

As I left her office, the voice in my head was having an anxiety attack folks. What the faaaaa did she just say?! was on instant replay. As was a cyclical version of questions. Did my eyes really glaze? Did I twitch? Oh gosh what did I do? I can't even remember what I did! What were her exact words? I instantly regret not having a robot feature like audio memory, or a rewind button, or for heaven sakes an energy drink or something to say the very least.

As a new elementary counselor, (P.S. there is a God and I was blessed with a job) I have the opportunity to teach social skills. Hence, I should automatically be able to respond with the correct behavior in a scenario like this, right? Right. Buuuuuut in my case, as with most things in my life this too was of the contrary. [And I call myself a professional]

So just an FYI, the key to communication is to make sure you're attentive, replying with an oooh or ahhhh, and at the end of the conversation both parties end on the same page or understanding of the sort ....this would make logistical sense.

So let me tell you why I was glazed over and fell asleep in my chair...

Aside from the fact that we are/were preparing and handing out the state exams for our students (AKA. Super importante!) I was receiving my instructions to proctor. Okay, for everyone out there. Testing. Its BORING. I repeat dead, tired, boring. Makes me feel sorry for the littles that have to sit through four-six hours of it. Obviously this wasn't going to jump drive my energy. Just the day before I had had a very fun-filled, wonderful, divine amazing (also including an intense moment as a newby standby...details to be filled in later) SPRINGBREAK with my honey bunches of oats!

So it had been three weeks since my handsome and I had seen each other. To you, maybe not so long. Even handsome is more patient with the time and distance. But me. Oh you can bet hells bells that I was aching to see him. The real test here though was to somehow convince my parents to let me go to Utah. Wait. What? Your parents are helicopter parents too and super protective and wouldn't let you go to another state without an engagement ring? And you're 28? Perfect! You know exactly how I feel! Folks, its not as bad as my sarcasm implies, but it is difficult and different at times.

So miracle number 1:

Lisabeth gets to go to Utah! {Hurrah!!!} For not only 3 days as originally allotted but FIVE! This is huge guys! HUGE! If anyone knows my ma, it is sooooo Huuuuge! K. So aside from the humongous loosening of the leash, Stay tells me, "Oh and I'll be introducing you to my family". Nbd, yea? My jaw totally drops. Huge deal. For Stay, this is like he took 5 big steps in our relationship. In my head I say, "Woah! Stay actually wants me to meet his fam bam". And then reality sunk in and I felt sorta nervous.
 

However, as the days lead up closer to my mini pre-drive vakay to Utah:

Mama Gladden says, "Um I don't know if I feel comfortable with you driving"...
Me: [trying my best NOT to throw a 2 year old tantrum] "Okay well I've checked the weather, my car
        just had an oil change, and I've said like 12 prayers. Things should be okay". {smiling really hard}.
Mama Gladden: "I don't know Lisa. We'll see".

Blast those 2 words! Worst words ever! Well besides 'You're Ugly' or something of the sort. You get my drift. In my mom's language this usually it is 98% No! or she'll carry out the torture longer and still end up saying no.

But little did I know that Havili had something up his own sleeve. Later, that night he says, "Babe, I have good news, instead of you driving, I was able to get a Buddy Pass from my cousin." {Shout out to Bonnie and Yella}. I end our call stat and run up the stairs! "Uhhhh, Mom! Dad! Stay just bought be a ticket! It's better right?! You feel better, yes?!" A little taken aback, they reply, "Nice, is it standby?" Freak! What do they do?! How do they knowwwwww? Ma G says, "I do not want a chance flight...too risky". I instantly (and desperately) remark, "Mom! Uhhh, errr its not! He spent $450! How sweet huh?" [guys I was beyond desperate, k? I'm sure Heavenly Father understands]. Well aside from the details I got to go! The plane ride(s) to Salt Lake couldn't go any faster! Flying standby was a bit nerve racking but I managed. I was literally on the edge of my seat! We landed and it was too surreal. I kept pinching myself to make sure it was legit. It was. I'd show you my bruises buttttttt I have none because I don't like inflicting pain. And just so you know, I kissed that man good and hard when he picked me up!

You guys so much happened and yet not enough did whilst in Utah! I mean there was eating, there was reuniting with friends, there was meeting new very important and kind family members {soon to be inlaws}, watching movies, playing games. There was just lots and lots of comfortable companionship! I couldn't soak enough of it in! I want to be back. Not in windy, ugly, New Mexico. It was splendid to be in his arms. To be able to talk face to face. To enjoy one another's company not via FaceTime or by cell or whatever. It was real. And all to fast. Meeting his family and getting to know them, to see my babers interact with them, it was a blessing. That man of mine. He's so devoted, charitable, kind, and just good! You know he would take off work early to see me? Buy me my favorite meal or dessert because he knew it'd bring a smile to my face? Take me to way too many shopping malls cause he knew it'd tickle my fancy even if he'd have to patiently wait for an hour or so while I perused and the such? I can't get enough! I'm still trying to wake up and see if it wasn't a dream!

Miracle 2:

Flying stand by isn't the shiz nits when you have a schedule and parents who wanted you home yesterday. My connecting flight from SLC to Phoenxi went smoothly. But from Phoenix to Durango, it was another story. I had caught the 7AM flight but not the 9AM flight back because a not so nice man who shoved his superiority in my face beat me to it. He even chuckled. I was already on the verge of crying and found out from the attendant that there was only 1 flight back to Durango scheduled to leave in 2 hours.Stay and I were thinking of every option I could take, but I refused to be defeated.I knew I had to get on, otherwise I would be dead meat and not the good kind. So several prayers were spewed out to Heaven as were tears. Let me tell you. 2.5 hours is torture enough, but being able to get on literally 2.5 seconds before they closed the gates was a rush! What an EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER!

                 

Miracle 3:

My parents welcomed me home with smiles and hugs. This was unexpected because the day before I had broke the fib to my ma and let's just say it was not taken well...at all. But alas! All was forgiven and forgotten! I love when that happens. And that my twinner always knows how to save my bum! Unconditional love baby!

                 

These little miracles, though insignificant to most were so awesome to witness! Now for pics!

From Left to Right: Si'i, Stay's super shy but sweet brother in law, Ame, Stay's sister who is super nice and not as scary at all as Stay made her out to be, Stay's mama Tu'u who's super funny and so kind and welcoming. Stay Tay and Me

On our way to lunch and a movie. That evening we met up with Jeni & Siaki! Our fave doubling couple!

   You guys! Do you see this?! This is so me in like 50-60 years! She was too cute not to secretly take a picture of!

Lil' Quaid! The morning I left, Stay soaked him with cologne and put him in my backpack. As cliche as this sounds, the smell totally helps me sleep better when I'm missing my mister!

 

I wish I had more pics to share! I took my camera every where with me but kept forgetting to take pictures. Silly me! But ya know, I've come to realize how big the little things in life really are. Its learning to take time out to enjoy the small things in life. The little things in life are what connect us to the bigger things. A simple daily hug to a lover or a family member may not seem that huge everyday, but when they are gone, just the memory of this embrace can be a fulfilling memory that will make you smile. At least it does me and gets me through the harder times. Never underestimate doing the little things, and make sure that you go out of your way to do them because you will reap the rewards for doing so. I know I'm way more grateful and love Stay more and more each day because of this, the efforts we put into making our relationship work, and for being able to realize the little things he does for me that add up to the bigger things!

    

Light Bulb!!!

Every time I hear the phrase, "light bulb!", I can now only picture an eastern European accent. Cue Gru from 'Despicable Me'... "Liiiiight buuuulb".


Anyways I love when the so called light bulb goes off for me. Today was one of those very insightful days. Ya know...the kind of information that you've always known but somehow it was stored, covered, and then forgotten? I'm talking about those little principles in life. The ones that seem so minimal but really equate to mountain-like profoundness. I don't know about you, but I struggle simply because of life's daily chaos/distraction(s). It clouds my aspiration to be Mother Teresa, (hahaha okay not quite but you get the picture) infringing itself while I claim defeat with excuses. Maybe I'm in this alone, but I have a cantankering that most people are always seeking ways to better or improve themselves. We however just get busy with Life's curve balls. There's the challenge folks. At least for me. To overlook the chaos and remember the little things. Like being prepared, patient, loving, etc. It's all noteworthy and particularly on Sundays (because of church service and all) I pledge I'll be a better person and try harder. Then manic Monday hits and I'm all over the place trying to do whatever that is which needs to be done and come the following Sunday I'm like "Oh yea, totes knew that....shoulda. coulda. woulda...

The point here is to not let myself get discouraged just because I forgot, overlooked, or simply procrastinated. The point is to digest it and try to put it to action. Quite possibly the 'Aha!' moment is to help me individually because the man upstairs knows me better than I know myself and that those 'Aha!' moments are just what I need to revitalize, recoupe, and press on.

Try this one on for size:

"Patience is tied very closely to faith in our Heavenly Father. Actually when we are unduly impatient, we are suggesting that we know what is best ----better than does God. Or at least we are asserting that our timetable is better than His."
Elder Neal A. Maxwell

I'm glad someone else is in charge. Moreover that it isn't me. That He knows above all what is best. For me. For you. For everyone. I know He loves each and everyone of us. Knows each and everyone of us individually, even by name. Wish I had His memory. [Haha. Bad joke I know. Blame the Asian side.] But honestly, it's the best when you're not working against Him, that you do things in faith, and see the rewards you reap because of it.

And on that note, I leave you with this beauty:

"I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
Rainer Maria Rilke, Letter To A Young Poet

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly...

Great movie, right?! However, this post is less western and more contemplative on the actual good, the bad, annnnnnd the ugly. Normally, it takes about a week for me to process that it's an actual new year. And what dya know? It's the seventh. Ha! Call it what you will... DENIAL.  Miss big fat D has to make her appearance once a year and ya know what? It puts me out of my comfort zone. I don't really know why. It gets me thinking on the pros, the cons, the accomplished, the unfinished. But let me put you in my head first. I come from an Asian background. Being the first child = perfection, no room for mistakes and to do everything amazingly well.  Or at least that was and has been my perception. Don't get me wrong, I have THE best parents in the world. And my ma has backed up a lot within the last three years, [both a learning process for us] however my mentality is so accustomed to this "way of life" that well...leaves it a bit hard to strive for nothing but.

{Now I know what you're thinking, Wahhhhh cry me a river...play the world's tiniest violin (or whatever the saying is). But alas, bear with me, it's just the background I'm setting so I can get to my point.}

As I've had a full week to digest ringing in the new year, I've realized that while I still experience some discomfort, that I now after a good 28 years I feel like I'm coming into my own. What I mean is, I'm okay with me in my own skin. I think that finding yourself is a difficult and lonely road. I think I've gone every imaginable route without completely ruining my future, but nonetheless have learned so much from 'The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly'. It's funny that just now I feel that I'm coming into my own. I've always been a late bloomer, but have had to do and try everything on my own regardless of warnings or consequences. I've been through a lot, some worthy of mentioning, and some that need to rest at peace. The road back was difficult but not as difficult as I thought it'd be. It was full of understanding, growth, and finding myself.

I have a lot to be grateful for, especially for 2012. I graduated with my Master's in Mental Health Counseling. And even anticipate passing my licensure the second time around :) Missing by a mere point was devastating and even landed me in depression territory and in a vulnerability that I definitely have not been accustomed to. I started playing the comparison game. Why I wasn't in my career that I sweated and toiled for? Why I wasn't 110lbs like I was 7 years ago haha. Or why I wasn't married like the rest of my peers, or even having children.  The 'whys and what ifs' list went on. And you know what? To some it may have seemed like a big pity party, but to me it was real. Trial some and my obstacle. But I've been blessed with a wonderful support system, my family. They can read me like a book, and have enough patience and energy to relentlessly motivate, tell the honest truth, and love me no matter what. My handsome has been a steady foundation through it all too. 2012 has been so memorable because of him. We celebrated a year and hope to celebrate many more. I'm happy, I'm content. There's no need to compare. And I found out again the harder way, but I'm glad I did. It's always so much more meaningful and is set into stone that way. The key is to recognize the problem first, accept it, and then move on. I'm no longer in denial. I still feel somewhat uncomfortable here and there. But as always things happen for a reason and in a timely manner. So while you've only heard the gist about 'the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly', I know that beliefs won't make me a better person, but my behavior will. Good acts and deeds are the goal for 2013. I may splurge and even set some goals like being more healthy etc. But for now I want to be the best Lisabeth I can be. And to continue on in service and love.

P.S. my favorite line from the actually movie is:

Tuco: "I would like to piss, it's rough. I've been shaking up nearly 10 hours now."
Wallace: "You smell like a pig already. Let's try not to make things any worse."

That's right. That mental image has been the past couple of months, but thankfully with the graciousness of loving parents, a bestie twinner, and a handsome debonair I got through 2012. The world didn't end because some personal goals weren't met and it won't even if they aren't met 'til 2065. (I'd be 81 so what'd be the point hahaha). Resolutions are still scary for me, but I'll take it one step at a time even through the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Here's to you and all the happiness, I pray comes your way.

Oh 2012...How Time Flies

Boy Oh boy did 2012 go by fast or what? I feel like I barely blinked and here we are January 5, 2013. Crazy. It's too bad that I still write 2012 on my dates and probably will 'til Mayish. I seem to get better five to six months into the year. Ha! But what dya'll care huh?

I don't know bout you, but I'm still in holiday mode. That's right. Still living it up baking cookies, apple pies, and have quite possibly ordered myself a lil' skirt from JCrew {A New Year's special} Why? Because I can. And who doesn't love a lil' pick me up after the holidays? Speaking of the holidays I was pleasantly surprised by my handsome on the 21st. What's that? A recap you ask? Alright. Alright. No need to beg :)

So I'm with my sister, playing with my little babies (as usual)...trying to fight back the stubborn tears I've had for the past couple of weeks err the past four months. [Watching other couples and being long distance is a recipe of heartache for someone as sensitive as I. Especially since Handsome told me he didn't have any time off as he started a new job. I try to play it off and am usually strong about it, but curse the holidays when you want to be with your special someone and family.]
 So my momma being the sweet mom she is, calls us girls up and says, "Mil, Isa, you girls should get tickets to see 'The Hobbit'. I know Isa has been down so you kids grab eight tickets (for us, bro-in-law, bro & sis, and our two cousins; big fam...we know)." So while my sis is ordering online...my thoughts are, thank you momma for some distraction and a great movie:)

Later around 3ish, Handsome calls me. I hadn't heard from him much which was a lil' unusual for us, but I didnt think anything of it. Anyways back to the call. 

Babe: Hey beautiful, whatcha doin...
Me: Not much, just getting ready to go watch 'The Hobbit'. Whoot! Whoot!
Babe: Uh any chance you'd like to watch it later with me?
Bratty me: Um like in a month or so? <Hesitantly> I guess... but I was really excited...would you hate me if I watched it?
Babe: Well uh, I didn't want to tell you, but I'm in Moab...on my way to surprise you...
Me: <Shrieks> then I start crying. "for real, for reals" barely audible.
Babe: haha, yes.

So four hours later, Handsome pulls into the driveway and before he can get out of the car, I'm planting kisses on his face and pulling him into the house.

The 22nd, we went to Fudruckers and watched the long awaited Hobbit. I'm obsessed. This I know:)

Then we went Christmas Lights sight seeing and finished the evening off with Dunkin Donuts!

The 23rd being a Sunday and such we didn't get to peruse, however I want everyone to know that my man is THE man of all men. You know why? Because he simply puts me first without any argument, is soooo good with my family especially the little ones, and is so ready for anything always in good spirits. For instance, my family and I were singing in our church choir for the Christmas Sunday service. I initially asked what he would like to do, but then blabbed out, "please sing with us". And you know what, without hesitation that sweet man of mine sang in choir. In front of strangers. Because I asked! I was a lil' surprised, but above all grateful and astounded at how amazing he truly is. I love that every so often I learn something new about him. It not only gets better, but makes my love that much stronger for him.

Finally the 24th arrived! Christmas Eve is HUGE no its GINORMOUS GIGANTICUS in my family. We celebrate both with our filipino and American culture. On the 24th its called Noche Buena. We wake up early, start cooking and baking alongside singing and dancing, prepping for the big feast and festivities. Its too much fun really!

But when Handsome is around, and its the only time I see him... well I'm willing to tear away from fam for a bit. And that's exactly what we did. We decided to sneak away for a couple of hours and go to town. We ate at Boon's, a  fabulous Thai restaurant. It was so delicious. Both the food and the company.

There was so much fun the 24! Full of love, family, and friends. We ate, we sang karaoke (haha), and danced.  Ahhh slow dancing! Newfound love. I actually don't mind when Handsome takes me by the hand and decides to dance with me. < cue the swooning hehe > Then daddy shared the story of our Savior's birth, expounding on the beginning of his miraculous work on Earth. The clock stroke 12 and we all wished one another Merry Christmas. Presents were opened and all were happy. I definitely am blessed. So blessed with wonderful family members who love and support unconditionally. To have an amazing beau, and our love that just keeps getting better and better! But most of all, to have the gift of everlasting life with a loving Heavenly father and mother [and all my loved ones] if I play my cards right here on earth. Blessed. Such a great word to wrap up my Christmas. 

Christmas morning I not only opened my stocking from Santa, but went swiftly to see my Handsome and exchanged our Christmas gifts. I was spoiled to say the less. Annnnd he knows me all too well. We later watched Le Miserables (A MUST SEE...I'm dying to go again!) Later we came back home to just enjoy one another's splendor. All I wanted to do was cuddle up with this man of mine and talk and cuddle and laugh.  It's all sooooo much better in person. Take my word for it. 

Wednesday snuck up on me faster than I liked and begrudgingly, I had to let that Handsome of mine leave. You'd think it'd get easier each time to say good-bye, but it only gets harder. This was by far THE best Christmas I've had so far! All my loved ones were present, fun was had, and love oh that sweet noun that encompasses so much and yet can be taken granted for, was and is the greatest gifts of all I received. 

New Years was amazing too. More food, more dancing and singing, and most of all enfolded with my family members. I'm so grateful for all that I have. I can't wait for what 2013 has to bring. I can only imagine that the Best Is Yet To Come. Like Blue Eyes said: 

Wait till you're locked in my embrace

Wait till I hold you near

Wait till you see that sunshine place

There aint nothin like it here

The best is yet to come, and wont that be fine

The best is yet to come, come the day that your mine

I cant wait to be 'locked in his embrace' once again.